Comedy album titles from “edgy” standup performers always sound like this -
First: Slapped and Clapped!
Second: A Face Only Your Mother Could Ride
Third: Unshakeable
Fourth: Real Men Wear Corduroys
Fifth: Live at Carnegie Hall…No Apologies
Sixth: One for the Road (Head)
Lady JDB’s family is giving her shit because we chose the same place - not the same time - to honeymoon as her brother and his fiancé (who set their wedding date two months before ours) and they think we’re stepping on their toes…y’all, I’ve cut out plenty of my blood relatives for much less, so believe me when I say I’ll have NO problem telling my soon-to-be in-laws to simultaneously suck my asshole AND my balls 🫡
When you think about it
A doctor wishes you illness
A lawyer wishes you get sued
A therapist wishes you depression
And an engineer wishes your car fails
But only a thief wishes you prosperity
Yu Darvish. Overhyped or never tapped into his potential? Haven't followed MLB for a long time but from the brief summary of his career I went thru I think it's a mix of both.
My friends all say I’m like Mike Tyson - I’m unemployed, I’m a huge stoner, I was in Hangover 2, I bit off Evander Holyfield’s ear in 1997, and I sound like a squeak toy filled with helium 🥶
None of us are inherently deserving of love, but for those who’ve fallen ass backwards into it, have a fun and romantic day; for those who haven’t, believe me, everyone in the first category is jealous of your freedom and independence, so cherish it while you have it 😘🥰😍❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🖤🤍🤎💕💞💓💗💖💘💝
I speak for every Eggball fans that the only good thing about Super Bowl LVII is we will get an exclusive Trailer of the most anticipated movie release of this year. 🤩👀🔥🥳🎉🎊⚽️
Tired: Filling up your water bottle in the office bathroom sink 🙄
Wired: Sucking piss directly out of your coworkers’ genitals 🤑
Fired: For doing the thing I just mentioned 😔
Hate it when I wake up and I can tell that my cat knows she was in my dream, I have to listen to six hours’ worth of meowing that roughly translates into “WHY DID YOU LET THOSE HIKERS DIE, THEY WERE 20 YARDS FROM BASE CAMP, YOU ARE ONE OF HISTORY’S GREATEST VILLAINS!!” 🙀😾🙄
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