THE WORSTGEN GLOBE “All The News Bogard Thinks You Should Read” July 2, 2021; 69th edition
JEWNICORN FITNESS RAIDED AS PART OF COVERT MONEY LAUNDERING OPERATION
Tokyo, or wherever the hell - Tragedy struck a small community of One Piece fans this morning when federal agents from across the world (including Interpol) seized the assets of the kingpin known as @Jewish D. Boyberg after one of his long time associates turned state witness. The actions undertaken by the global intelligence agencies are the conclusion of a seven-year investigation into the man’s highly dangerous dealings with fellow crusty weeaboos. Additionally, his gym Jewnicorn Fitness was shut down amid a fit of rage from his head cashier and enforcer @Melontonin that also led to assault charges.
For several years, Mr. D. Boy (known informally as JDB) has used the anime forum WorstGen.com to funnel hundreds of millions of dollars from his enterprises in the meat packaging industry and various other illicit businesses. He has been publicly identified as an Informer, the name given to a group of loosely affiliated assassins operating under the orders of a shadowy figure known only as “Captain @Reborn, His Sexcellency” and the most notorious criminals on WG. Although details are scarce about the head honcho, some members claim that JDB’s involvement lent the group a level of street cred they would not have attained otherwise. “Listen, you can’t put 20-odd Internet strangers in a room and expect them not to discuss becoming murderers for hire, it just can’t be done,” @LANJI CUCKSMOKE told this reporter after taking a time-consuming drag off of an inordinately long cigarillo. “You want someone like JDB in that room, because if anyone can bring a bunch of unkempt berserkers together in harmony, it’s a detached and totally apathetic Jewish asshole.” After several more tokes, he continued, “When the Captain summoned us all for the first time, we knew we were each chosen for a reason, and we knew we’d have to get our hands dirty. We just didn’t know how hard it would be to wash that stink off and feel good about ourselves again.”
“Captain Reborn’s business is exactly that,” Informer spokeswoman @Tris said in a prepared statement to the press. “What JDB did on his own time and in the security of his well-guarded exercise compound is also between him and the consenting adults who sought to improve their physique in the only sensible way there is.” When asked for further comment, Tris, who had started leaving the room, returned to say “If anyone would like to know more, you’d do well to get in touch with @Catyberry, JDB’s most trusted confidant. I’m sure she knows the truth, or as much of it as he’ll allow her to tell.” She then put up the middle finger on both hands, shouted “THAT ONE’S FOR YOU, @RayanOO!! KISS ‘EM, BITCH!!” and backflipped out of the conference room.
Initial investigations into the financial particulars of Jewnicorn Fitness paint a troubling story. “First of all, the revenue column just has the words FUCK YEAH!! written all over it,” local accountant @Zara explained. “Usually, you’d wanna put numbers here, but he put letters and shit…very confusing.” At this point, an unrelated woman who would only identify herself as @Natalija appeared over his shoulder to peer at the book herself. “Look what he wrote in expenses!” she exclaimed with joy. “It just says ‘Who cares, @TheKnightOfTheSea will cover it’! What a fucking clown!”
Zara managed to shoo Natalija away after several unbroken minutes of an argument over some game played on the forum, and returned to poring over the data. “See, right here, tucked away in all these random statements - something called @LDL Consulting, Inc. is listed as a major investor, but if you look them up, they simply don’t exist. He’s cooking the books with nothing but inedible ingredients, it’s…honestly, it’s impressive that nobody caught him sooner.”
A contact number listed online for LDL Consulting led to the following automated message - “You have reached LDL Consulting, Top 1 in the verse. Please leave your name, phone number, A/S/L, preferred flavor of pie, and then delete the message before sending it. Don’t worry, we already have what we need from you.”
District attorney @solis has gone on record to say that criminal proceedings against Mr. D. Boy will be ruthless, a level of vitriol necessary for his transgressions. “We’re talking about a man, one with a MUSTACHE of all things, who singlehandedly ruined hundreds of lives and livelihoods all under the guise of self-improvement. He manipulated lonely souls, absolutely pathetic people like @Fujishiro and @MangoSenpai, just grade-A dipshit chumps, scraped the bottom of the barrel just to steal their entire savings and blow it on “hambergrogues,” a thing that doesn’t even exist.” It was at this time that the lawyer removed a pair of imaginary glasses from their face for extra pathos and sighed, “The punishment should fit the crime, but I don’t know of a penalty harsh enough for the damage he’s done.”
Speaking with members of the WG community, however, makes it clear that JDB is more than a shrewd entrepreneur and cowardly liar. “I don’t care what kind of shit he was doing, signing up for Jewnicorn Fitness changed my life,” an outrageously muscular @Kiwipom said when contacted for comment. “That guy gave me my hope back, my sense of wonderment, the twinkle in my eye, and a set of abs that could cut glass and then press it into a fucking diamond, check this out!” Although not present at the scene, this reporter can confirm that the horrible mass of meat swung her arms around and smashed everything in her room, at which point she began to sob uncontrollably, “LOOK AT ME!! WHAT MY HUBRIS HAS DONE!! DO NOT FOLLOW THE SAME PATH, CHILD!! DO NOT GIVE IN TO THAT MAN’S CHARM!!” before the feed cut out.
For legal reasons, the name of the associate that turned JDB in to the authorities is being withheld. He has been described as “a gorgeous Indonesian mass of shimmering skin, a spoiler provider that spoils your appetite for being lazy, and a motivator who incorporates very painful rehabilitation into every workout” by @a wild-eyed boy who was very clearly in a ᴘᴏsᴛ ɢʏᴍ ᴍᴏᴏᴅ The witness is currently in protection at a facility known as @Tobi ’s House of Horrors, a location not printed on any map.
At time of publication, Catyberry’s whereabouts are unknown, although it seems she may have disappeared quickly into the shadows with a bottle that read “Captain’s Permanent Sleepy Time Tea” and a devilish grin.
This is a developing story, and will be updated once JDB is brought before a judge, jury, and executioner. At that point, though, you’ll probably guess the ending and won’t need any more journalistic prowess to explain shit to you, so goodbye, I quit, print media is dying and so are all of you!!