Till 12th end , everything was fine , I was getting very good marks in mock tests. But then I got addicted and now i am here . Dropping this year, expecting under AIR 2000 next year as I have already completed my syllabus and now i just have to do practice and give mock tests.
The activities themselves don't make me feel depressed to be honest, like programming / accounting both are interesting to me.
But the moment i have to do it as a job to get paid, the "fun" parts of the job just completely vanish from sight in my mind. I feel like i'm being forced to do it, instead of doing it because i enjoy it.
And knowing that if i don't do those things i'm not "pulling my weight" in the world, or that i'm suposed to do it because everyone does it, completely fucking kills me.
That's why the basis / premise of a job is the thing that fucks my soul up, not the activity itself. I don't know if many can relate to that.
It's like an existential crisis around having to work, it's the stuff i have to do in work.