Some background: Politically, I've been a Democrat my entire life and an Obama supporter as long as I can remember. I volunteered for John Kerry's presidential campaign back in 2004, which is where I first registered on my map. I watched his speech at the DNC and was instantly enamored.
When he announced his candidacy for president in 2007, I immediately threw my weight behind him. I knocked on doors, educated people about his policies, and did the best I could to get people to vote for him. When he was elected, I was ecstatic. In the past, when I had supported candidates, it was out of cold reason—because I thought their policies and acumen would result in the best net result for this country. But this was a person I could get excited about, someone I could believe in.
When it came time for his campaign for a second term, it was largely the same. I had slightly soured on him. Granted, he wasn't the president I had hoped he would be, but that wasn't his fault. I had built him up to be so huge in my head, it was impossible for him to live up to my expectations. Republican gridlock in Congress also prevented him from getting through the policies he wanted. Nevertheless, I still supported him, still volunteered, and was still happy when he won his second term.
The problem started about three weeks ago. I had a dream involving Barack, which is not uncommon for me. I was working with him and Michelle on their upcoming Netflix show. We were looking over demographics and how they related to various geographical locations. Without even realizing it, I said, "Yeah, [N-word], we should do pretty well in [area near me]." He just looked at me and stormed out with Michelle behind him. I woke up and went into the bathroom to splash cold water on my face. I dismissed it. I don't have a racist bone in my body. This was just one of those dreams, right?
A week and a half ago, I had a similar experience. This time, I dreamt we were going wine-tasting together. I don't remember the lead-up, but I ended up saying something to the effect of, "The sommelier said we should be detecting earthy tones in this wine, but it's just not registering with me, [N-word]." This time, instead of storming out, he replied very sternly, "Why did you feel that was an appropriate thing to say?" I began to stutter and explain it was an accident, but I had once again woken up.
The most recent incident was last night. I dreamt I was at a family barbecue with the Obamas—just his family and mine. He was manning the grill, and I was speaking to Michelle while the children played with each other (I know Sasha and Malia are adults now, but I still think of them as children). I said to Michelle very politely, "Excuse me for one moment," and marched right up to Barack and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around to look at me, and I just said the word and nothing else. I can write off this happening once or twice in my dreams, but three separate events is too much.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to do this. Every time it happens, my work suffers the next day. I've started lying to my wife, saying I've been having nightmares, but I'm not sure she fully believes me. Lately, I've been worrying I might start saying it in my sleep and she could hear. I'm at my wit's end, and I want it to stop.
When he announced his candidacy for president in 2007, I immediately threw my weight behind him. I knocked on doors, educated people about his policies, and did the best I could to get people to vote for him. When he was elected, I was ecstatic. In the past, when I had supported candidates, it was out of cold reason—because I thought their policies and acumen would result in the best net result for this country. But this was a person I could get excited about, someone I could believe in.
When it came time for his campaign for a second term, it was largely the same. I had slightly soured on him. Granted, he wasn't the president I had hoped he would be, but that wasn't his fault. I had built him up to be so huge in my head, it was impossible for him to live up to my expectations. Republican gridlock in Congress also prevented him from getting through the policies he wanted. Nevertheless, I still supported him, still volunteered, and was still happy when he won his second term.
The problem started about three weeks ago. I had a dream involving Barack, which is not uncommon for me. I was working with him and Michelle on their upcoming Netflix show. We were looking over demographics and how they related to various geographical locations. Without even realizing it, I said, "Yeah, [N-word], we should do pretty well in [area near me]." He just looked at me and stormed out with Michelle behind him. I woke up and went into the bathroom to splash cold water on my face. I dismissed it. I don't have a racist bone in my body. This was just one of those dreams, right?
A week and a half ago, I had a similar experience. This time, I dreamt we were going wine-tasting together. I don't remember the lead-up, but I ended up saying something to the effect of, "The sommelier said we should be detecting earthy tones in this wine, but it's just not registering with me, [N-word]." This time, instead of storming out, he replied very sternly, "Why did you feel that was an appropriate thing to say?" I began to stutter and explain it was an accident, but I had once again woken up.
The most recent incident was last night. I dreamt I was at a family barbecue with the Obamas—just his family and mine. He was manning the grill, and I was speaking to Michelle while the children played with each other (I know Sasha and Malia are adults now, but I still think of them as children). I said to Michelle very politely, "Excuse me for one moment," and marched right up to Barack and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around to look at me, and I just said the word and nothing else. I can write off this happening once or twice in my dreams, but three separate events is too much.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to do this. Every time it happens, my work suffers the next day. I've started lying to my wife, saying I've been having nightmares, but I'm not sure she fully believes me. Lately, I've been worrying I might start saying it in my sleep and she could hear. I'm at my wit's end, and I want it to stop.
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