I have been thinking about it a lot recently and looking into antinatalism, most of my life I have been bullied and beat, my achievements have been pretty little so far overall, pretty good in physical exercise, I got to the point where I would do 1000 push ups a day, 3 workouts per day of 6 sets of 60 push ups, intelectually I'm mostly the best at political theory because that's what I looked at of my free choice until now without it being imposed on me by school, but I consider all of this pretty useless, the only good thing is I'm saved by Jesus Christ, and that takes care of all problems after death, but not of all problems now, and since even those achievements, even though little, can be considered impressive by relation to what other people may have done, I consider worthless, I think I may consider worthless whatever else I achieve too when it comes to being good at things, whether I chose to study and get really good at other things too or not, plus I am pretty bitterly broken in how I feel about myself by all those years, regardless of what I do or what happens to me
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Ecclesiastes 1:18
“For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow.”