I have a few fictional stories I've been running in my head for months/years, I'm not functional enough to write, but I sometimes write excerpts for scenes I particularly like.
I plan to collect those excerpts here.
I'm hoping for critical feedback and to become a better writer by doing so.
This fits into a story I'm tentatively calling "Athena's Divine Comedy". But the title may change later on. (Athena is closer to an antagonist than the protagonist, though the events of the story largely are driven by herself and the other whims of the "Greatest Generation".)
Feedback I'm particularly interested in:
Vibes of each of the characters
What do you think their personalities are?
What was far too cringey/chuuni for your tastes?
What do you think about the numbers? I thought it would be kind of neat if the System was the age of our universe, so there are characters that are billions of years old. But is that too off putting? Any other numbers you feel I should adjust.
Idiosyncratic tendencies: characters speak telepathically most of the time, because fights tend to happen too fast, and across too great distances for communication by sound to work between combatants.
Disclaimers:
1. This is a scene from well into a story, so lots of background context behind the scene.
I wrote out some of that background context in an info dump at the start of the fiction which is probably bad form.
But a lot more background context is still missing despite what has been written. I will gladly answer questions about said background context as they come up though.
2. My prose is light on descriptions because I myself don't really enjoy overly descriptive writing.
I'm too light here though. I didn't describe well enough how the characters look, and that's because the fic fragment started as me just writing a particular excerpt down, and then I bolted on more things to it.
Letting me know what descriptive elements you're missing and how best I could add it would be nice.
But in real fiction the purple prose describing the protagonist and antagonist would have been given earlier in the fiction.
___
Swordsman's 99th Floor Trial
The swordsman's blade stopped a millimetre from the child's neck, locked in place between her thumb and little finger. It was quite the peculiar sight. A towering figure of war-worn muscle, clad in brilliant white full plate armour, vs a young girl, dressed in a violet gothic lolita gown that looked more appropriate in a ballroom than the barren wasteland that was arena for their "battle".
"Give it up. The little prince should have realised by now; it is impossible for his blade to reach this one", the child looked utterly bored with the battle, her eyes dripping with condescension as she looked down at the warrior more than twice her height. Her mouth did not move as she spoke, her words broadcast directly into the swordsman's mind.
Eight decades. After reaching the level cap of the Third filter at the age of 25, the swordsman had relentlessly trained for the past 84 years in preparation for his next Trial, the Tower of Ranking.
At the turn of each century individuals at the peak of the third Filter gathered from across the myriad realms of Creation to challenge the Tower. They competed against the Tower and against each other, to earn the right to advance further. The Tower took their measure and ranked them against all that had come before. At the end of their climb the surviving challengers were given rewards commensurate with their demonstrated ability.
Having long since cleared the 10th Floor, he'd already passed the fourth Trial and could safely forfeit his climb.
But he could not afford to stop here. The better portion of his exiled family's resources had been spent to support him. His kingdom had been conquered and his people enslaved. Their oppressor was a warlord at the 9th Filter, it would be millions of years before he'd have the strength to defeat him.
But ranking in the Top 10 of the Tower was a feat never accomplished since the Lady Athena five billion years ago. If he could replicate that feat, then the powers of Creation would take notice of him. The Lady Athena had declared that she would sponsor anyone who placed in the Top 100 of the Tower. The least of her Knights was at the 10th Filter, with her backing, he could retake his kingdom immediately.
It was rather fortunate that the "Mentor" whose acknowledgement he needed to procure for the 10th Floor's trial was a record of the Lady Athena from when she had challenged the Tower. After a short duel, she had declared him ready and pronounced that his blade would take him far.
The Heavens were finally smiling on him.
But apparently not far enough.
'They said I was a genius among geniuses for reaching the peak of the third Filter at 25. What does that make her then? She's barely a teenager if that.
The record of the Lady Athena too had been exceedingly young. This girl, she's probably one of them, the "Greatest Generation".
So this is the wall I need to overcome to save my people. If this is the challenge the Heavens have assigned me for my salvation, then so be it, I will not fail.'
Panting with exertion, he replied across the telepathic connection:
"I cannot. Too many people are counting on me. My people have placed their hopes and dreams in me. I cannot allow myself to stop here."
A slight change in her demeanour, the shortest flash of recognition, and then it was gone, replaced once again with apathy. She released his blade and took a rather large step backwards.
He immediately swung his claymore, not giving her any respite, the slash caught her mid-air:
"I will defeat you and complete this Tower!"
Reality split apart across the direction of his blade, in the distance a mountain range was laid flat, an ocean parted.
The child was unharmed. Not even a crease marred her clothes.
"This one will admit it, the little prince is strong. His is a rather powerful fate. It is no wonder Athena acknowledged him. She was always rather partial to those she thought were like us."
That gave him pause.
"Like you?"
"Yay, those with a predestination for greatness, a spark of divinity. Athena was always so enamoured with those 'sparks', as if they were the only thing that determined greatness. This one finds it rather distasteful."
He was puzzled.
"You would defy the will of the Heavens?"
A wry smile.
"It's a rather unfair will isn't it, that a girl not 13 years of age is the third ranked in the Tower."
His eyes bulged with shock, his grip on the claymore involuntarily tightening as if it could shield him from the weight of her words.
'The Third... Ranked? I knew she was no ordinary opponent, but I had never imagined she was that powerful.'
A deep breath and then he steeled himself.
'Nonetheless, failure is still not acceptable. My trial is merely somewhat greater than I had imagined, I shall meet the challenge all the same.'
Oblivious to his internal tumult gazed up at the skies with a forlorn expression:
"This one finds it rather distasteful, cruel, perverse Fate. This one has always found herself more enamoured to those trivial existences born without any great destiny, but who nonetheless yearned for greatness and relentlessly pursued it. To strive against one's cursed fate is the most noblest of pursuits.
That's why, this one sought to raise such people to our level."
"Did you ever succeed?"
"Nay, in the five billion years this one has served as Mentor and Examiner, only those predestined for greatness have reached this Floor. This one begrudgingly admits that history has proved Athena right."
A pensive frown.
"And you see that spark in me?"
A slight nod.
"The little prince is not one of our calibre, but the spark is unquestionably there."
"All the more reason I cannot fail here. If the Heavens have blessed me with ability and ordained me for greatness then defeat here would be to sin against man and God."
The girl grimaced:
"This one does not know what the little prince seeks, but to reach this far, the little prince is already one among 500. The cumulative reward for completing the 98th Floor is considerable. This one beseechs the little prince to be satisfied with the reward he has already attained and not throw away his life to sate an avarice beyond his ability."
He frowned.
"'Avarice beyond my ability'?"
Righteous indignation empowered him.
'A desire to release my people from the yoke of bondage is avarice beyond my ability?!?!'
He suppressed his retort, the Tower rewarded its challengers by the merit of their ability, not the purity of their desires. His trial was to defeat her and as Examiner she was required to fight to the utmost of her abilities. Her pity would only serve to burden her with guilt should he perish against her.
He gave her a bitter smile.
"Mine is a righteous cause and one I'll happily lay down my life for."
"The little prince's desire may be noble, but alas, his ability can only reach so far. Naught but a handful have ever made it past this one."
He smiled despite his weariness and raised his claymore, readying his stance. Brilliant runes appeared all around his mithril armour, a fearsome incandescence.
"Then I guess I'm in rarefied company."
Resignation marred her pristine features.
"This one hates to snuff out the light of one so full of promise and so beseechs the little prince one final time to lay down his sword.
To let one's blade stop at that which cannot be cut is a high attainment. For those who foolishly persist, only despair awaits."
Three new layers of runes surrounded the swordsman.
"I refuse".
She sighed in resignation.
"Such is the folly of callow youth. Since the little prince cannot understand with mere words, this one shall make him understand with his body."
She gradually rose to the sky, her violet gown billowing in the wind, as it was slowly dyed black. Immense magical pressure transfixed the swordsman in place, completely sealing his movements.
Her ascent stopped a dozen kilometres above the shattered continent.
"This one has said it, the little prince is indeed strong..."
Massive, feathered black wings burst out of her back, threatening to eclipse the sun.
"...But the zenith of Creation..."
An obsidian crown of thorns materialised above her head.
"...It's much higher..."
Day turned to night, an impenetrable darkness settling across the planet.
"...And much deeper than he thinks."
The atmosphere was pregnant with despair.
This fits into a story I'm tentatively calling "Athena's Divine Comedy". But the title may change later on. (Athena is closer to an antagonist than the protagonist, though the events of the story largely are driven by herself and the other whims of the "Greatest Generation".)
Feedback I'm particularly interested in:
Vibes of each of the characters
What do you think their personalities are?
What was far too cringey/chuuni for your tastes?
What do you think about the numbers? I thought it would be kind of neat if the System was the age of our universe, so there are characters that are billions of years old. But is that too off putting? Any other numbers you feel I should adjust.
Idiosyncratic tendencies: characters speak telepathically most of the time, because fights tend to happen too fast, and across too great distances for communication by sound to work between combatants.
Disclaimers:
1. This is a scene from well into a story, so lots of background context behind the scene.
I wrote out some of that background context in an info dump at the start of the fiction which is probably bad form.
But a lot more background context is still missing despite what has been written. I will gladly answer questions about said background context as they come up though.
2. My prose is light on descriptions because I myself don't really enjoy overly descriptive writing.
I'm too light here though. I didn't describe well enough how the characters look, and that's because the fic fragment started as me just writing a particular excerpt down, and then I bolted on more things to it.
Letting me know what descriptive elements you're missing and how best I could add it would be nice.
But in real fiction the purple prose describing the protagonist and antagonist would have been given earlier in the fiction.
___
Swordsman's 99th Floor Trial
The swordsman's blade stopped a millimetre from the child's neck, locked in place between her thumb and little finger. It was quite the peculiar sight. A towering figure of war-worn muscle, clad in brilliant white full plate armour, vs a young girl, dressed in a violet gothic lolita gown that looked more appropriate in a ballroom than the barren wasteland that was arena for their "battle".
"Give it up. The little prince should have realised by now; it is impossible for his blade to reach this one", the child looked utterly bored with the battle, her eyes dripping with condescension as she looked down at the warrior more than twice her height. Her mouth did not move as she spoke, her words broadcast directly into the swordsman's mind.
Eight decades. After reaching the level cap of the Third filter at the age of 25, the swordsman had relentlessly trained for the past 84 years in preparation for his next Trial, the Tower of Ranking.
At the turn of each century individuals at the peak of the third Filter gathered from across the myriad realms of Creation to challenge the Tower. They competed against the Tower and against each other, to earn the right to advance further. The Tower took their measure and ranked them against all that had come before. At the end of their climb the surviving challengers were given rewards commensurate with their demonstrated ability.
Having long since cleared the 10th Floor, he'd already passed the fourth Trial and could safely forfeit his climb.
But he could not afford to stop here. The better portion of his exiled family's resources had been spent to support him. His kingdom had been conquered and his people enslaved. Their oppressor was a warlord at the 9th Filter, it would be millions of years before he'd have the strength to defeat him.
But ranking in the Top 10 of the Tower was a feat never accomplished since the Lady Athena five billion years ago. If he could replicate that feat, then the powers of Creation would take notice of him. The Lady Athena had declared that she would sponsor anyone who placed in the Top 100 of the Tower. The least of her Knights was at the 10th Filter, with her backing, he could retake his kingdom immediately.
It was rather fortunate that the "Mentor" whose acknowledgement he needed to procure for the 10th Floor's trial was a record of the Lady Athena from when she had challenged the Tower. After a short duel, she had declared him ready and pronounced that his blade would take him far.
The Heavens were finally smiling on him.
But apparently not far enough.
'They said I was a genius among geniuses for reaching the peak of the third Filter at 25. What does that make her then? She's barely a teenager if that.
The record of the Lady Athena too had been exceedingly young. This girl, she's probably one of them, the "Greatest Generation".
So this is the wall I need to overcome to save my people. If this is the challenge the Heavens have assigned me for my salvation, then so be it, I will not fail.'
Panting with exertion, he replied across the telepathic connection:
"I cannot. Too many people are counting on me. My people have placed their hopes and dreams in me. I cannot allow myself to stop here."
A slight change in her demeanour, the shortest flash of recognition, and then it was gone, replaced once again with apathy. She released his blade and took a rather large step backwards.
He immediately swung his claymore, not giving her any respite, the slash caught her mid-air:
"I will defeat you and complete this Tower!"
Reality split apart across the direction of his blade, in the distance a mountain range was laid flat, an ocean parted.
The child was unharmed. Not even a crease marred her clothes.
"This one will admit it, the little prince is strong. His is a rather powerful fate. It is no wonder Athena acknowledged him. She was always rather partial to those she thought were like us."
That gave him pause.
"Like you?"
"Yay, those with a predestination for greatness, a spark of divinity. Athena was always so enamoured with those 'sparks', as if they were the only thing that determined greatness. This one finds it rather distasteful."
He was puzzled.
"You would defy the will of the Heavens?"
A wry smile.
"It's a rather unfair will isn't it, that a girl not 13 years of age is the third ranked in the Tower."
His eyes bulged with shock, his grip on the claymore involuntarily tightening as if it could shield him from the weight of her words.
'The Third... Ranked? I knew she was no ordinary opponent, but I had never imagined she was that powerful.'
A deep breath and then he steeled himself.
'Nonetheless, failure is still not acceptable. My trial is merely somewhat greater than I had imagined, I shall meet the challenge all the same.'
Oblivious to his internal tumult gazed up at the skies with a forlorn expression:
"This one finds it rather distasteful, cruel, perverse Fate. This one has always found herself more enamoured to those trivial existences born without any great destiny, but who nonetheless yearned for greatness and relentlessly pursued it. To strive against one's cursed fate is the most noblest of pursuits.
That's why, this one sought to raise such people to our level."
"Did you ever succeed?"
"Nay, in the five billion years this one has served as Mentor and Examiner, only those predestined for greatness have reached this Floor. This one begrudgingly admits that history has proved Athena right."
A pensive frown.
"And you see that spark in me?"
A slight nod.
"The little prince is not one of our calibre, but the spark is unquestionably there."
"All the more reason I cannot fail here. If the Heavens have blessed me with ability and ordained me for greatness then defeat here would be to sin against man and God."
The girl grimaced:
"This one does not know what the little prince seeks, but to reach this far, the little prince is already one among 500. The cumulative reward for completing the 98th Floor is considerable. This one beseechs the little prince to be satisfied with the reward he has already attained and not throw away his life to sate an avarice beyond his ability."
He frowned.
"'Avarice beyond my ability'?"
Righteous indignation empowered him.
'A desire to release my people from the yoke of bondage is avarice beyond my ability?!?!'
He suppressed his retort, the Tower rewarded its challengers by the merit of their ability, not the purity of their desires. His trial was to defeat her and as Examiner she was required to fight to the utmost of her abilities. Her pity would only serve to burden her with guilt should he perish against her.
He gave her a bitter smile.
"Mine is a righteous cause and one I'll happily lay down my life for."
"The little prince's desire may be noble, but alas, his ability can only reach so far. Naught but a handful have ever made it past this one."
He smiled despite his weariness and raised his claymore, readying his stance. Brilliant runes appeared all around his mithril armour, a fearsome incandescence.
"Then I guess I'm in rarefied company."
Resignation marred her pristine features.
"This one hates to snuff out the light of one so full of promise and so beseechs the little prince one final time to lay down his sword.
To let one's blade stop at that which cannot be cut is a high attainment. For those who foolishly persist, only despair awaits."
Three new layers of runes surrounded the swordsman.
"I refuse".
She sighed in resignation.
"Such is the folly of callow youth. Since the little prince cannot understand with mere words, this one shall make him understand with his body."
She gradually rose to the sky, her violet gown billowing in the wind, as it was slowly dyed black. Immense magical pressure transfixed the swordsman in place, completely sealing his movements.
Her ascent stopped a dozen kilometres above the shattered continent.
"This one has said it, the little prince is indeed strong..."
Massive, feathered black wings burst out of her back, threatening to eclipse the sun.
"...But the zenith of Creation..."
An obsidian crown of thorns materialised above her head.
"...It's much higher..."
Day turned to night, an impenetrable darkness settling across the planet.
"...And much deeper than he thinks."
The atmosphere was pregnant with despair.
This fits into a story I'm tentatively calling "Athena's Divine Comedy". But the title may change later on. (Athena is closer to an antagonist than the protagonist, though the events of the story largely are driven by herself and the other whims of the "Greatest Generation".)
Feedback I'm particularly interested in:
Vibes of each of the characters
What do you think their personalities are?
What was far too cringey/chuuni for your tastes?
What do you think about the numbers? I thought it would be kind of neat if the System was the age of our universe, so there are characters that are billions of years old. But is that too off putting? Any other numbers you feel I should adjust.
Idiosyncratic tendencies: characters speak telepathically most of the time, because fights tend to happen too fast, and across too great distances for communication by sound to work between combatants.
Disclaimers:
1. This is a scene from well into a story, so lots of background context behind the scene.
I wrote out some of that background context in an info dump at the start of the fiction which is probably bad form.
But a lot more background context is still missing despite what has been written. I will gladly answer questions about said background context as they come up though.
2. My prose is light on descriptions because I myself don't really enjoy overly descriptive writing.
I'm too light here though. I didn't describe well enough how the characters look, and that's because the fic fragment started as me just writing a particular excerpt down, and then I bolted on more things to it.
Letting me know what descriptive elements you're missing and how best I could add it would be nice.
But in real fiction the purple prose describing the protagonist and antagonist would have been given earlier in the fiction.
___
Swordsman's 99th Floor Trial
The swordsman's blade stopped a millimetre from the child's neck, locked in place between her thumb and little finger. It was quite the peculiar sight. A towering figure of war-worn muscle, clad in brilliant white full plate armour, vs a young girl, dressed in a violet gothic lolita gown that looked more appropriate in a ballroom than the barren wasteland that was arena for their "battle".
"Give it up. The little prince should have realised by now; it is impossible for his blade to reach this one", the child looked utterly bored with the battle, her eyes dripping with condescension as she looked down at the warrior more than twice her height. Her mouth did not move as she spoke, her words broadcast directly into the swordsman's mind.
Eight decades. After reaching the level cap of the Third filter at the age of 25, the swordsman had relentlessly trained for the past 84 years in preparation for his next Trial, the Tower of Ranking.
At the turn of each century individuals at the peak of the third Filter gathered from across the myriad realms of Creation to challenge the Tower. They competed against the Tower and against each other, to earn the right to advance further. The Tower took their measure and ranked them against all that had come before. At the end of their climb the surviving challengers were given rewards commensurate with their demonstrated ability.
Having long since cleared the 10th Floor, he'd already passed the fourth Trial and could safely forfeit his climb.
But he could not afford to stop here. The better portion of his exiled family's resources had been spent to support him. His kingdom had been conquered and his people enslaved. Their oppressor was a warlord at the 9th Filter, it would be millions of years before he'd have the strength to defeat him.
But ranking in the Top 10 of the Tower was a feat never accomplished since the Lady Athena five billion years ago. If he could replicate that feat, then the powers of Creation would take notice of him. The Lady Athena had declared that she would sponsor anyone who placed in the Top 100 of the Tower. The least of her Knights was at the 10th Filter, with her backing, he could retake his kingdom immediately.
It was rather fortunate that the "Mentor" whose acknowledgement he needed to procure for the 10th Floor's trial was a record of the Lady Athena from when she had challenged the Tower. After a short duel, she had declared him ready and pronounced that his blade would take him far.
The Heavens were finally smiling on him.
But apparently not far enough.
'They said I was a genius among geniuses for reaching the peak of the third Filter at 25. What does that make her then? She's barely a teenager if that.
The record of the Lady Athena too had been exceedingly young. This girl, she's probably one of them, the "Greatest Generation".
So this is the wall I need to overcome to save my people. If this is the challenge the Heavens have assigned me for my salvation, then so be it, I will not fail.'
Panting with exertion, he replied across the telepathic connection:
"I cannot. Too many people are counting on me. My people have placed their hopes and dreams in me. I cannot allow myself to stop here."
A slight change in her demeanour, the shortest flash of recognition, and then it was gone, replaced once again with apathy. She released his blade and took a rather large step backwards.
He immediately swung his claymore, not giving her any respite, the slash caught her mid-air:
"I will defeat you and complete this Tower!"
Reality split apart across the direction of his blade, in the distance a mountain range was laid flat, an ocean parted.
The child was unharmed. Not even a crease marred her clothes.
"This one will admit it, the little prince is strong. His is a rather powerful fate. It is no wonder Athena acknowledged him. She was always rather partial to those she thought were like us."
That gave him pause.
"Like you?"
"Yay, those with a predestination for greatness, a spark of divinity. Athena was always so enamoured with those 'sparks', as if they were the only thing that determined greatness. This one finds it rather distasteful."
He was puzzled.
"You would defy the will of the Heavens?"
A wry smile.
"It's a rather unfair will isn't it, that a girl not 13 years of age is the third ranked in the Tower."
His eyes bulged with shock, his grip on the claymore involuntarily tightening as if it could shield him from the weight of her words.
'The Third... Ranked? I knew she was no ordinary opponent, but I had never imagined she was that powerful.'
A deep breath and then he steeled himself.
'Nonetheless, failure is still not acceptable. My trial is merely somewhat greater than I had imagined, I shall meet the challenge all the same.'
Oblivious to his internal tumult gazed up at the skies with a forlorn expression:
"This one finds it rather distasteful, cruel, perverse Fate. This one has always found herself more enamoured to those trivial existences born without any great destiny, but who nonetheless yearned for greatness and relentlessly pursued it. To strive against one's cursed fate is the most noblest of pursuits.
That's why, this one sought to raise such people to our level."
"Did you ever succeed?"
"Nay, in the five billion years this one has served as Mentor and Examiner, only those predestined for greatness have reached this Floor. This one begrudgingly admits that history has proved Athena right."
A pensive frown.
"And you see that spark in me?"
A slight nod.
"The little prince is not one of our calibre, but the spark is unquestionably there."
"All the more reason I cannot fail here. If the Heavens have blessed me with ability and ordained me for greatness then defeat here would be to sin against man and God."
The girl grimaced:
"This one does not know what the little prince seeks, but to reach this far, the little prince is already one among 500. The cumulative reward for completing the 98th Floor is considerable. This one beseechs the little prince to be satisfied with the reward he has already attained and not throw away his life to sate an avarice beyond his ability."
He frowned.
"'Avarice beyond my ability'?"
Righteous indignation empowered him.
'A desire to release my people from the yoke of bondage is avarice beyond my ability?!?!'
He suppressed his retort, the Tower rewarded its challengers by the merit of their ability, not the purity of their desires. His trial was to defeat her and as Examiner she was required to fight to the utmost of her abilities. Her pity would only serve to burden her with guilt should he perish against her.
He gave her a bitter smile.
"Mine is a righteous cause and one I'll happily lay down my life for."
"The little prince's desire may be noble, but alas, his ability can only reach so far. Naught but a handful have ever made it past this one."
He smiled despite his weariness and raised his claymore, readying his stance. Brilliant runes appeared all around his mithril armour, a fearsome incandescence.
"Then I guess I'm in rarefied company."
Resignation marred her pristine features.
"This one hates to snuff out the light of one so full of promise and so beseechs the little prince one final time to lay down his sword.
To let one's blade stop at that which cannot be cut is a high attainment. For those who foolishly persist, only despair awaits."
Three new layers of runes surrounded the swordsman.
"I refuse".
She sighed in resignation.
"Such is the folly of callow youth. Since the little prince cannot understand with mere words, this one shall make him understand with his body."
She gradually rose to the sky, her violet gown billowing in the wind, as it was slowly dyed black. Immense magical pressure transfixed the swordsman in place, completely sealing his movements.
Her ascent stopped a dozen kilometres above the shattered continent.
"This one has said it, the little prince is indeed strong..."
Massive, feathered black wings burst out of her back, threatening to eclipse the sun.
"...But the zenith of Creation..."
An obsidian crown of thorns materialised above her head.
"...It's much higher..."
Day turned to night, an impenetrable darkness settling across the planet.
"...And much deeper than he thinks."
The atmosphere was pregnant with despair.
This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
