LEAKING BAD: THE SPOILER SUPPLY CHAIN IS BROKEN
Scene 1: The Prophet and the Destroyer
INT.REDON’S SPOILER BUNKER –NIGHT
The room is a shrine built of pure, unstable ego: discarded Red Bulls, candles flickering before a giant, framed Oda signature, and a massive map of the
One Piece world covered in incomprehensible GIF printouts.
REDON (glasses gleaming, wearing a cheap suit and a majestic, poorly-stitched cape) kneels in the middle of a chalk circle made of broken pencils.
REDON (low, mystical, to a tiny statue of Trafalgar Law):
¡Mierda! (Shit!) They don't understand the gravity of the
"Seatbelts x100." It was a promise to the soul, not the calendar! But the damage is done... I stole the concept, and now the concept is corrupted!
(Suddenly, the wall explodes in a shower of drywall, shrapnel, and shattered Tesla brochures.
MONSTERZORO storms in, bald head glowing like a reactor, Monster energy drink in one hand, screaming every word like his vocal cords are broken sirens.)
MONSTERZORO (exploding like a nuke):
REDONNNNN!!! YOU FRAUDULENT BASTARD!!! YOU POSTED SEATBELTS x100 LIKE WE WERE ABOUT TO GET THE SEXIEST, MOST EARTH-SHATTERING ONE PIECE CHAPTER OF ALL TIME… AND THEN THERE’S NO FING CHAPTER!!!*
NO SPOILERS!!! NO LEAKS!!! JUST MY BALD HEAD REFLECTING THE VOID!!!
REDON (dramatic gasp, clutching his cape like it’s a life raft): How dare you…
¡Maldito calvo! (damned bald one!)
WorstGenHQ is in flames! They are not just theorizing about the next chapter,
they are posting 30 new fake chapters an hour! They are denying the existence of their own mods! It's a
Dexter and
Doakes situation over there—users are screaming,
"Tyki Mikk is NOT DarkestKnightOfSpoilers! I didn't see him do it!" The structural integrity of the entire forum is compromised!
MONSTERZORO (slams fist through a wall, exposing wiring):
YOUR GIF HINTS SUCK ASS, REDON!!! NO ONE CAN GUESS THEM!!! “HERE’S A SPOON, HERE’S A GOAT, HERE’S A FING WASHING MACHINE” — THATS NOT FORESHADOWING, THAT’S SCHIZO ART!!*
REDON (voice trembling, pointing his finger): And yes! I confess!
Scotch used the term first! But I elevated the Seatbelt! He merely told people to buckle up;
I gave it spiritual prophecy! I am the superior cultural appropriator!
Scene 2: The Chaos Cascade
(The main monitor suddenly cracks and splits into three feeds, displaying the total collapse of the community.)
REDON (screaming in agony): The Chaos is complete!
WorstGenHQ is running rampant!
FEED 1: WORSTGENHQ FEED –SPAM
WorstGenHQ: "Better Call WorstGen" (Text scrolling at a measured but relentless pace, flashing in unsettling green and deep crimson)
A Special Message From Your Most Trusted Source...
The Current State of the Grand Line (According to Me):
Need to Know the TRUTH? You've found the only guy you can trust... maybe. Listen to me, I'm telling you,
Oda didn't forget a single thing. He's just building something
beautifully terrible.
Don't worry about the hiatus, my friend.
It's not a break, it's preparation. You understand?
Leaker Deniability & Allegiance:
The spoilers are confirmed. How do I know? Let's just say I have a
very effective legal team... and a way with words.
I'm not Tyki Mikk. I'm not DarkestKnightOfSpoilers.
They're good kids.
They're just doing what I told them to do.
I'm
BATMAN! (Though "Dark Knight" is more of a liability these days.) 🦇
My Personal Guarantee (Terms & Conditions Apply):
The
ELBAF PLOT? It's gonna be bigger than you think.
A lot bigger. Have you seen my ledger?
If your theory has a hole in it, come see me. We'll fix it.
You won't even see the seams.
Enjoy the chaos, because when I drop the next fact,
you're going to want me on your side. Trust me.
FEED 2 : SCOTCHINFORMER
SCOTCHINFORMER (V.O., muffled and gasping, accompanied by the violent snapping sound of belts and leather):
(In a hoarse whisper) They said I was a Fraud! They stole my Seatbelt! Now they shall witness the true meaning of being strapped in! This is not hype! This is penance! The hint is... it's a thing... near a place. Also, things are very fast, and then they stop. You figure it out! STOP ASKING ME ABOUT THE PANELS! (A belt snaps.)
REDON (stumbling backward, hands clasped over his eyes, screaming in Spanish):
¡Por el amor de dios! ¡Mi profecía se ha convertido en una aberración! ¡SCOTCH, YOU HAVE DEFILED THE SEATBELT! (For the love of God! My prophecy has become an aberration!) This is not the hype! This is some kind of Seatbelt-Fetish BDSM! I only deal in elegant misdirection!
FEED 3: PEWPIECE
(The feed cuts to
PEWPIECE, face contorted in a desperate, blurry selfie-cam stream.)
PEWPIECE (corrupted, whispering into the camera, staring intensely): I'm 😮 over👈👇👆 here stroking 🙄😔😳 my will of D🍆 I 👁 got 💪 lotion 🧴 on my D🍆 right 👌 now I'm 👈 stroking 🖐 my D to those Uta-Nami pics and that York getting Pork-ed Den Den broastcast! I'm ➡ horny 😉 as fuck 🖕 man 👦 I'm ➡ a freak 🤦🏾♂️ man 👨 like 💛 is!
The screen goes black instantly, leaving an echoing, wet SQUEAL of feedback and the faint sound of an empty lotion bottle rolling across the floor.)
Redon's Double-Take and Total Collapse:
(The feed returns briefly to Redon, who has stopped running. He is frozen, staring wide-eyed into the camera with a look of pure, agonizing horror.)
REDON (Voice barely a whisper, a mixture of Spanish and shattered English):
...Fue... fue Pewpiece? (...Was that... was that Pewpiece?) He's stroking his D to fanart on the live feed?! ¡Pero qué demonios! (But what the hell!) ¡He visto el fondo absoluto de esta comunidad! (I have seen the absolute bottom of this community!) Not even the Gorosei could erase this memory! ¡Mi legado está destruido! (My legacy is destroyed!) ¡Mi madre me dijo que fuera dentista! (My mother told me to be a dentist!) (He begins to weep uncontrollably, collapsing into a fetal position as his hopes for an "elegant" leak community die.)
MONSTERZORO (veins popping, head glowing like a nuclear reactor):
F* YOU, REDON!!! I HATE YOU!!! BUT ALSO MAYBE I LOVE YOU??? BUT MOSTLY I HATE YOU!!! YOU’RE LIKE SANJI IF SANJI WAS BALD AND SPANISH AND LIED ABOUT TESLAS!!!**
Scene 3: The Heisenberg Rant
REDON (raising his voice to a Walter White-style rant, eyes blazing, adopting full Heisenberg menace): You think I’m just some amateur dropping crumbs on the
pirateking.es forums? No.
I am the spoiler!
¡Cállate la puta boca! (Shut your f***ing mouth!)
When they argue if
Yamato is “he” or “she,” who stands in the firestorm correcting them?
Me.
I tell you to wear your seatbelts! You mock me! “Haha Redon glazing Oda like he owes him money.”
¡Mira cabrones! (Look, bastards!) I owe Oda my loyalty because without him, you’re nothing.
REDON (looming): You think this is bad? You think losing a chapter is the end?
WHO DO YOU THINK KNOCKS?
I. AM. THE. ONE. WHO. LEAKS.
¡Soy el primero, soy el uno, soy Redon, hijo de puta! (I am the first, I am the one, I am Redon, son of a bitch!)
Scene 4: The Korean Leaker’s Masterpiece
INT. LOS POLLOS LEAKERMANOS – DAY
(The speaker in Redon's bunker activates, cutting through MonsterZoro's next scream.)
THE KOREAN LEAKER (over speaker, calm, measured English, like Gus Fring addressing subordinates): Redon. MonsterZoro. You are both standing in the middle of a
market correction.
Pewpiece is a legal liability.
Scotchinformer has cheapened our trade. The instability is now costing us margin.
REDON (collapsing, clutching his heart):
The Korean Leaker...
¡Por favor, no me cortes! (Please, don't cut me off!)
MONSTERZORO (screaming at the speaker, completely missing the life-altering threat):
SINCE YOU HAVE ALL THE WEALTH AND THE LOS POLLOS LEAKERMANOS ARE CLEARLY A FRONT, I DEMAND A BALDNESS-POSITIVE, ZORO-HATING K-POP WAIFU WHO DRIVES A TESLA! YOU OWE ME!
THE KOREAN LEAKER (picks up a pencil and a sketchpad): I am sending you a reminder of your
market value. Consider it a performance review, Mr. Zoro.
MONSTERZORO (screaming, recoiling as if struck):
MR. ZORO?! DID YOU JUST CALL ME ZORO?! YOU KNOW I HATE THAT FRAUDULENT, DIRECTIONALLY CHALLENGED SWORDSMAN! I AM MONSTERZORO! I AM THE GOAT! I DON'T NEED ART!
THE KOREAN LEAKER (smoothly interrupting, disconnecting the speaker): Done. I am transferring the file now. Enjoy the portrait.
(The monitor on Redon's desk flashes with the sketch: a screaming
MONSTERZORO caricature, bald head gleaming, hysterically gripping the wheel of a wrecked
Tesla Model X that has
plowed through the front of a McDonald’s. In the background, three
Korean girls are drawn pointing and
laughing hysterically at him, while the remains of a
WorstGenHQ banner stick out from the broken windshield.)
MONSTERZORO (a single, pathetic squeak, looking at the image): ...
MY... MY TESLA...
THE KOREAN LEAKER (via final text message that flashes on the screen): “Your collateral valuation is negative. Clean up your section of the
Leakermanos distribution route.”
Final Announcement
SHONEN JUMP OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT – TEXT OVER BLACK SCREEN
Due to the total collapse of the international spoiler distribution network, all production has ceased, caused by the following:
- Redon's overhyped "Seatbelts x100" tweet.
- The resulting emotional implosion of MonsterZoro after artistic slander.
- Pewpiece transmitting meme-fueled Will of D content.
- Scotchinformer degrading the hype vocabulary via BDSM.
- The subsequent system failure across WorstGenHQ.
THE NEXT CHAPTER IS CANCELLED THIS WEEK, AND NEXT WEEK TOO… DUE TO ALL THE BALD, UNHINGED, SPANISH, AND KOREAN ASSOCIATES.
Remember, readers: The treasure is real. The breaks are eternal. The leakers are a menace
