CONTRACT OF EMOTIONAL RETIREMENT FROM ONLINE MAFIA WITH ADDICT CLAUSE AND SADGIRL PROVISIONS
Date: June 1, 2025
Location: The Last Mafia Thread You'll Ever See Me In (Hopefully)
Parties:
Party A: Hereinafter referred to as
“Crying bc no Cryo,” a soul entangled in the bittersweet tendrils of online Mafia addiction, melancholy reflection, and the existential absence of someone named “Cryo.” Known for passionate gameplay, emotional investment, and tragic exits that leave half the player base crying too.
Party B: Hereinafter referred to as
“The Online Mafia Community,” the beloved chaos circus of bluff, betrayal, and backstabbing, which Party A has both adored and emotionally spiraled within.
WHEREAS:
- The Online Mafia Community provides a digital stage for psychological warfare disguised as entertainment.
- Party A has participated in said warfare with vigor, vulnerability, and vengeful tears.
- Recent events have led Party A to realize that Mafia, once a haven, has become a vortex of stress, sadness, and unrelenting FOMO.
- Party A now seeks to remove themselves from this cycle, citing their mental health, emotional burnout, and the devastatingly ironic fact that the game “Mafia” is making them feel murdered inside.
NOW, THEREFORE, in recognition of this moment of introspection, and with full awareness of Party A’s tendencies toward relapsing into mafia threads like a moth to a very toxic flame, the parties agree as follows:
1. Complete (but Tender) Withdrawal
Party A,
“Crying bc no Cryo,” hereby solemnly agrees to cease active participation in any and all future games of “Mafia” organized by Party B, effective immediately, except in scenarios outlined under the
Addict Clause (Clause 6).
2. Acknowledgement of Emotional Spiral
Party A openly admits that Mafia has become an emotional crutch, a hit of dopamine laced with salt and forum tears. Party A acknowledges crying over games, rage quitting, and typing sad posts at 2am while whispering “why does Cryo never show up anymore.”
3. No Temptation Zone
Party B is hereby forbidden from sending invites, pings, or creating game threads with enticing titles such as “Turbo,” “Championship,” or “Cryo Returns.” Tempting an addict is punishable by deep sighs and passive-aggressive status messages.
4. Mental Health Clause
Party A affirms their intention to prioritize mental health over mafia wins, thread drama, and self-destructive ISO loops. Party B agrees to support this by not guilt-tripping Party A with nostalgia, inside jokes, or GIFs from legendary scumreads.
5. Penalty for Premature Return
Should Party A rejoin a Mafia game outside of permitted exceptions, a penalty of one (1) massive wave of regret and self-loathing shall be incurred, payable immediately in the form of a tearful DM to a mutual friend and a 4-paragraph rant in Discord.
6. Addict Clause: The “Slip-up Games” Provision
Notwithstanding Clause 1, Party A may, under strictly limited conditions, participate in up to
three (3) future Mafia games, to be played under the influence of:
- FOMO Withdrawal Symptoms
- A Desperate Need to Be Perceived
- The Rumor That Cryo Might Finally Show Up
These games are classified as “Temporary Relapse Matches” and must be declared publicly as such. Emotional consequences are to be borne fully by Party A. After the third relapse, the original terms of this contract resume in full.
7. Open DMs Forever Clause
Despite this retirement, Party A requests that the community keep reaching out for conversation, memes, or venting — but
not mafia invites. Party A is lonely, not reckless.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the parties acknowledge the weird intimacy of online mafia friendships and the legitimacy of emotional burnout. They hereby sign this contract on the aforementioned date, with love, exhaustion, and the hope for healing.
Signed:
Party A:
[ @Crying bc no Cryo SIGN HERE ]
Party B:
The Online Mafia Community
🖊️
"This is not goodbye. This is just a ‘pls don’t ping me unless it’s about Cryo.’”