INT. THE OVAL OFFICE — WHICH NOW HAS A DJ BOOTH AND A PORTRAIT OF SATAN WEARING SUNGLASSES
WRITER GUY: So you have a new season of America for me?
STUDIO EXEC: Oh yeah, it’s gonna be wild! So the President is back in power!
WRITER GUY: That guy who tried to overthrow democracy?
STUDIO EXEC: That’s the one! But now he’s calmed down and wants to focus on healing the nation.
WRITER GUY: Oh, that’s nice!
STUDIO EXEC: By pardoning Diddy.
WRITER GUY: Oh, that’s not nice.
DIDDY: BAD BOY FOR (ALLEGEDLY) LIFE
WRITER GUY: Isn’t Diddy being investigated for… how do I put this... mid-2000s Illuminati horror movie stuff?
STUDIO EXEC: Oh, absolutely! Raids, lawsuits, settlements, secret rooms, “freak-off” allegations, NDAs signed in blood — all the fun stuff!
WRITER GUY: And the President wants to pardon him?
STUDIO EXEC: Yeah, because apparently accountability is only for poor people and people with less than 3 million Instagram followers.
WRITER GUY: Right, right, that makes sense in a collapse-of-civilization-through-celebrity-redemption-arcs kind of way.
THE PARDONING
STUDIO EXEC: So now the President’s like, “Diddy’s a victim! He’s misunderstood! He had a rough time owning 15 mansions and shaping culture while dodging allegations of being a human RICO charge!”
WRITER GUY: That does sound very hard.
STUDIO EXEC: Yeah, apparently “throwing parties that may or may not have required a ritual password and a soul sacrifice” is stressful!
WRITER GUY: And this doesn’t raise any red flags?
STUDIO EXEC: Nope! It raises confetti cannons in certain circles.
THE PRESIDENT
WRITER GUY: And what’s the President’s motivation in all this?
STUDIO EXEC: Well, his name has been allegedly popping up in the Epstein files again.
WRITER GUY: So he’s trying to pardon people who might also have dirt on him?
STUDIO EXEC: Exactly! It’s called “pre-emptive un-blackmailing.”
WRITER GUY: That sounds super illegal.
STUDIO EXEC: Barely even a crime anymore! It's like… influencer tax fraud. It just happens now.
PUBLIC REACTION
WRITER GUY: What do the American people think?
STUDIO EXEC: Oh, reactions are split!
One half is screaming into the void and forming torch-wielding posses on Reddit.
The other half is defending Diddy with statements like “let he who hasn’t owned a surveillance dungeon cast the first stone.”
And a third group is too busy livestreaming their emotional support iguanas to notice.
WRITER GUY: So nobody’s doing anything?
STUDIO EXEC: We tried “doing things” back in like… 2020. Didn’t really catch on.
THE DARK TWIST
WRITER GUY: So just to recap…
The sitting President, with multiple active investigations swirling around him, is considering pardoning a music mogul accused of some of the darkest stuff a person can legally be accused of.
Possibly to distract from or bury his own associations with another dead sex trafficker.
While the government collapses into influencer court cosplay.
And justice is now a streaming subscription you can’t afford.
STUDIO EXEC: That’s right!
WRITER GUY: This feels like it ends with society getting replaced by a limited-edition NFT of the Constitution.
STUDIO EXEC: Oh, already happened. Sold it for Dogecoin. Bought a rocket and launched a Subway franchise into orbit. Classic patriotism!
EPILOGUE: THE AFTERPARTY
WRITER GUY: So what happens to Diddy?
STUDIO EXEC: Oh, he releases a gospel single called “Clean Slate” and becomes head of the newly formed Department of Vibes and Justice.
WRITER GUY: And Trump?
STUDIO EXEC: Well, he starts hosting a presidential livestream where he spins a wheel labeled with random names and yells “YOU’RE PARDONED!” like it’s The Apprentice but with crimes.
WRITER GUY: Super disturbing. Barely even satire.
STUDIO EXEC: Barely even distinguishable from actual headlines!
[FADE TO BLACK as "I’ll Be Missing You" plays faintly over footage of a bald eagle flying directly into a wall.]
