Oh I never been into a relationship. My so-called friends fucked it up for me Or maybe I really wasn't worth of her.
And she ain't the only problem I got. It's like everything on me at once. Parents keeps on fighting , they don't get a divorce cuz what the world would say but don't stay in peace either. I'm quite used to this Abuse but it's pretty disturbing for kid witnessing that since childhood.
My way of thinking got quite toxic. I end up offending people more oftenly now. I do agree I say things which people are right to be offended about. And my views being so toxic. I avoid people myself now. Really don't wanna bother people. For therapist I don't think so it would help. Cuz I know the issue and I refuse to change just shows my stubbornness. Which would also explain why I was abandoned by everyone. Therapy really won't help me. What I want is a thing from past. Which is impossible.
Thats understandable, nobody knows yourself better than you do too ofc. Childhood trauma fucks you up for life and causes such permanent issues to our mind, development and such so I can feel you. My parents divorced when I was very young and it fucked me up a lot.
That's unfortunate anyway but that's fair too ofc, if that's how you feel then just do what you gotta do, hopefully you'll make things work out for yourself in your own ways and if you have to be alone at least temporarily, then so be it too.
I'm realising I probably have to be alone too, to isolate myself and that I can't really mix with people and groups either, its just better this way, at least until I've truly dealt with my own issues after being alone and able to focus on them and myself.
But even then, I've known people who went through extremely abusive and horrible childhoods and also experienced so much abuse in childhoods myself and all of them ended up being loners too. I never used to understand it when I knew them, but I'm growing to understand why they do it, why they're like that too.
There are people out there who get called "damaged goods" and basically will never be "stable" or desirable or whatever, I've felt I'm damaged goods for many years now and my constant increasing difficulties with people and groups IRL just endeavours to prove that too.
Sorry to hear you've been abandoned so much and that your parents keep fighting and you are stuck with that, it must really be difficult and painful. Hopefully you are able to find some inner and also outer peace somehow, a better environment, state of mind and future.