15 years ago, before my condition, I was a ball of energy. But my empathy? I had very little of it. Of course I loved, I cried, I screamed, I laughed. but it was faint, it was the bare minimum. Some childhoold trauma had left me with scars. I had wishes of course, but no rationnality, no awarenes.
I had crazy dreams, strange thoughts patterns, I was obsessive indeed, just like I'm today, but where it was not a problem before, this new unfamiliar environment started a chain reaction.. And made me detach myself from others, I felt... desynchronized.
It was not that I didn't accept my life, but I didn't like the way I was, I didn't like the way I talked, the way I lived.. even if I was more open, I started to feel empty, more aware of myself, more aware of my environement but strangely feeling like living in a parrallel dimension.
One day, the pressure of my insecurities and the sudden awereness that I was not prepared for this world, that I was not who I wanted to be.. hit me like a train in the face. This build up made me feel like a baby left in the jungle. This little realization alone, and my lack of defense mechanism, put me in a state of derealization.
If you don't know what derealizations are, google it.
The dererealizations were not the product of some deep subconscious toughts, but the product of my lack of awereness of the world mixed with my lack of self esteem, mixed with the violence I foresaw, the danger I felt from my environement and future and the panic following the fear of losing everything I hold dear, family, dreams, everything. It was not rational, but it is how my mind interpreted this situation.
At the same time, a breakup happened that left me in despair.
So I closed myself off, locked myself away, in the fear of losing myself. In the fear of the world itself. This situation on top of the derealizations, created an isolation. My isolation created social pressures and at the same time, the complete lack of it. This isolation created depression, this depression created more isolation.
Alone but always watched over by closed one, I observed the world silently grow without me for many years.. This condition changed my entire vision of life. When, like you, I thought that I was capable of anything just because of mind conditionning.. suddenly this thought became a myth for me. No amount of conditionning was able to force myself away from my own conditions of existence. I couldn't move, I couldn't work, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't dream. I could only stay in front of my screen like a ghost.
I started to deradicalize.. from conspirationnism, Liberalism, and idealism. I started to humble myself.. to listen to people living the same isolation, then I started to listen to others, women, ratialized people, LGBTQI+, poor people.. I became more empathetic, I became much more angry and much more aware of the world. I started to debate, to search for solutions, to try to prevent people from falling into the same traps as mine. I felt even more in love with storytelling, I started to learn more, I humbled myself to degree you can't even imagine, I rebuilded my entire knowledge system. I'm kept the best part of me, and became an entirely new person.
Until COVID, where.. for a time, the entire world suddenly synchronized with my life.
This simple thing, this simple change in the material condition of existence of the ENTIRE world, completely changed the relationship I had with my entire environment. The realization that isolation was not a conscious descision hit the minds and bodies of my closed circle.
I felt understood.
Their mindset changed, their look changed, their words became kinder, my words became more relaxed and this allowed us to reach hands toward eachothers. This special planet alignment.. gave me enough strenght to seek help. This is what allowed me to move away again. TO be on my own, but less afraid, less alone, more empathetic, more opened but much more angry at the world.
Then.. one day.. I realized that I wasted too much time, what I wanted to do, was not possible anymore, at least not in the same shape. This realization almost killed me. But once again, I wasn't alone. It's my environment that allowed me to keep going.
Now, nobody can help me anymore, people have sacrified too much. I'm on my own. I still afraid, I'm poor, I'm handicaped, my situation is pushing health problem on me.. but I'm not lost anymore. And my will has never been stronger.